True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I am one with the molecules
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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