Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
