I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
