You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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