I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
