No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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