i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i think i have herpe
just one?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
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