i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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