Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
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Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
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I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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