so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
