How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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