he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
