erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
