Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
