Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
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I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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