if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
