You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
