i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
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the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
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If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize