she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
