I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
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all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
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Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.