Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
You left your phone here
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