I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
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