I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
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Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
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Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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