the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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