there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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