i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
