if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
