the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
