note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
