a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
