Jerry, you need to find god
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
