I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
