So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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