His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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