She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
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