I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
