Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
