Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
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