Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
