I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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