I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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