Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
