I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize