I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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