the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
