Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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