Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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