I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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