i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
