no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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