i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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