with your own penis?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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